On Even Stranger Tides
by Nullarius
Summary: Roman Torchwick meets Captain Jack Sparrow. Looks like his search for the Fountain of Youth really did take him to stranger tides. Give it a go!
1. Even Stranger Tides

**Ok, I know it's a funny concept: Roman Torchwick meets Captain Jack Sparrow. Yet again I've been put up to it by my friends. I do not own any character in the following story (sadly). Let's just go with it: savvy?**

Roman Torchwick strode down to the docks with a rare and secret smile concealed carefully in the corner of his mouth. Still maintaining the proper air of disdainful

arrogance, he hid from the world his glee at the forthcoming completion of his great plan- _It's all coming together marvellously_ , he revelled quietly. _Nothing can stop_

 _me now._

As a remarkably genre-savvy crook, Torchwick should have known better than to tempt fate like this: but no sooner than he'd celebrated quietly, he noticed a small

boat bobbing up to the wide, new docks of Vale.

The very docks he needed to clear for the loading of the dust his team had spent so much time collecting.

 _It better not be those girls again._

Losing his short-lived smile, Roman stormed down to the rather horrible little boat, with a sail made of hardly more than a wind-torn bit of rag.

 _What the heck?_

Out of it jumped a fairly young man with heavily tanned skin. He looked around, squinted into the sunlight, turned back to glance at his boat and discovered that it

was gone - sinking under the water until only the top of the sail was visible.

The man, who wore a red bandanna, beads, dreadlocks and altogether too many assorted peices of cloth tied about him, turned to the tall, white-suited redhead and grinned brightly.

"Hello. Where am I?"

Torchwick stared.

"What the hell are you doing, docking your ship in OUR port?!" Roman spluttered.

"I dock my boat where I like, mate," the man said, walking slowly forward with a swaying, unco-ordinated gait. His hands flew up to illustrate his point: "And as you

can see, I did not dock my boat. Indeed, I do not have a boat to dock."

Roman kept staring. The man smiled, and the glint of a gold tooth matched the mischieveous glint in his brown eyes. Torchwick suddenly noticed a dark, tattooed 'P'

on the man's wrist - in any country, anybody knew what that meant.

 _He's a pirate._

"Who do you think you are?" Roman demanded with a gesture so extravagant it was nearly comical.

"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, mate," the man announced as though it was obvious, leaning into Roman's face. His breath smelled like rum and the sea. Roman wrinkled

his nose and leaned back a little, further narrowing his bright green eyes. "...Savvy?"

"Do you know who you're talking to?" Roman accused, loftily eyeing the shorter man. When Roman was annoyed, his disdainful green-eyed gaze, provoking flash of

bright orange hair and curled lip screamed it out without him having to say a word.

"...Usually don't," Sparrow smiled infuriatingly. "Have I threatened you before?"

"I am Roman Torchwick, official organiser of a... small... operation leading the White Fang itself."

Torchwick's black-gloved fingers ran over his cane. "Get out of my sight before I blast you to hell."

The pirate smiled. "I know a lot about hell, mate. And from the look of that hair, you do too."

Trying to keep his anger under control, Roman spared him an arrogant flick of his long red fringe.

"A broke, mangy and offensive pirate," he mocked. "It's a wonder you're still alive."

"And you're a white-coated rich toff who wears even more eyeliner than I do," Sparrow replied.

"And _you_ call yourself a Captain without a crew or a ship," Roman concluded. "You are, without a doubt, the worst pirate I've ever seen."

There was a long pause.

"... You smell funny," Sparrow replied decidedly.

Roman sighed. "My patience is running out, so if you don't disappear right now, you'll be swimming with the fishes."

"And how do you suggest I leave without a ship? I can't," Jack said, forcing Torchwick to step back yet again.

 _Man, this guy doesn't understand the concept of personal space._

"So," Jack announced, wobbling slightly, "This will be the day you will always remember as the day you nearly defeated Captain Jack"-

Roman aimed his cane and shot. Sparrow ducked, drawing his sword. He glared at the cane as though it had insulted him.

"Cane's a gun? That's interesting."

Knowing he had only minutes to get rid of this idiot, Roman shot again but Sparrow parried his cane using his sword and stabbed - jumping about on light, quick feet.

Torchwick flicked the fringe from his eye and attacked again - trying to get a clean shot at Sparrow while the pirate parried and lunged, blocking the gun at every

move.

"Oh my, boy, you _do_ need to get some practise on your swordplay."

Roman scowled. On his face, he even managed to make it look pretty.

Then he swept his cane under Sparrow's feet - he jumped over it and attacked with a swipe to the side. Roman stepped in behind the sword with his back to Jack and

blocked it with his cane, elbowing Sparrow from behind as hard as he could.

He heard a thump and an 'OW' as Jack doubled over.

"Bloody pirates," Torchwick muttered, turning around and brushing down his coat.

Jack straightened up. "We're not so different, you and I," he commented, still cringing from the blow. "Both terrible savvy swindlers in different clothes."

"I still prefer mine," Torchwick replied stiffly.

"And a similiar amount of eyeliner."

Torchwick sighed, being unable to ignore the fact that a scurvy pirate with only a sword managed to hold his own against him with Melodic.

"Fine. The public docks are that way - go down to that building and take the first left and you could barter a passage back to wherever you came from."

Jack smiled. "Thanks, mate."

He brushed past Roman as he sauntered towards the other ships. Roman laughed.

"I suggest you give me back my lighter, but you're still a broke pirate," Roman chuckled. "From one crook to another, keep the money."


	2. It Ate Me Once

**I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean or RWBY. Unfortunately, all I own are bad formatting issues. At least I've got a jar of dirt...**

 **Chapter 2**

Jack raised the bottle to his lips and sighed when not a drop was to be seen.

The rum's gone. It's always gone. I should've learnt that by now, he thought.

Jack wobbled down the street much like a raggedy, sea-tossed and blindfolded octopus, with fingers outstretched to feel the Westerly sea breeze that eddied between the tall, official-looking buildings. This wasn't the first time Jack had found himself drunk (well, regrettably not much anymore because the rum was gone) and lost in a strange city: mostly because he was always drunk and always lost.

 _I just sort of go wherever the rum and the wind takes me... But even for me, this is a bit weird._

He hadn't seen many people - not since that handsome, disdainful rich kid had given him a few dollars and after he'd tried to rob him ( _odd_ , Jack thought). But, the more cobbled streets Sparrow snuck down, the more people he saw flitting about the streets - busy, laughing, talking - in fact, what with the unrecognisable decorations of every colour he saw hanging across the streets, it was if they were preparing for some big event.

 _There's something weird about this place...But there's something odd about every place. In fact, everything is so supremely odd so much of the time that it's normal._

He was just wondering if he was ever going to find something that looked remotely like a ship that would take him back to England - presuming this was not it - when he stepped around a corner right into a young, tall girl's face.

Both of them spluttered in indignation, simultaneously, and stepped away. "Excuse you!"

The tall girl had long white hair gathered precariously on one side of her head, a glittering silver comb holding it in place, a white dress that looked like an English child's petticoat that had cloned itself into layers upon layers of crinoline and strange shoes that made her seem much taller than she was. But these things paled into insignificance compared to the two most important things about the her: firstly, she carried a long silver rapier and secondly, she carried a face that Sparrow thought she might have stolen from Roman Torchwick. A glare of utter disdain, with the unfortunate addition of supreme pride.

 _Oh, not one of these again._

He then realised that there were three others that had also been rounding the corner. The shortest one wore black and red in exactly the same style as the tall one.

 _Must be the fashion round here._ She had hair so short Sparrow wasn't quite sure if it was a girl or a boy... But then decided it didn't matter, seeing as she was the only one with a face that looked moderately accommodating. That is, she didn't look as likely to straight up murder him than the others did. The next one across had bright yellow hair and purple - _purple_ \- eyes, a skirt so short that Jack wasn't sure what happened to the rest of it, tall brown boots that put his own to shame and metal casing around her arms.

 _...maybe she's some kind of robot? Nah, there'd be none of those around here, Jack_ thought, stumbling into bizarre wisdom beyond his centuries.

The last had yellow - _yellow_ \- eyes, much narrower than the rest of her party, and black tresses from which they glared pointedly. In fact, the eyes around here were sort of weird. Really huge. _Oh well_ , Jack thought. Two black swords were crossed on her back.

 _Everyone carries a weapon here. These are my kind of people_.

Unsatisfied with confused silence as an answer, the tall girl demanded in a high, comical voice, "EXCUSE ME? Did you hear what I said!? Watch where you're going!"

Jack composed his most-honestly-apologetic face: "I'm sorry, love."

"'LOVE'? DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO!?" The girl screeched. The others started to grin a tiny bit as she waved her hands threateningly in Sparrow's direction. "I am a Schnee!"

"... Never heard of it," Jack replied with a shrug.

"Oh!" The girl gasped and folded those crinoline-clad arms, glaring into the distance theatrically. The one with short hair giggled and then said, "Sorry sir, we didn't mean to interrupt your day! I'm Ruby Rose. Don't mind Wiess, she's just used to respect, as a noble and all," she explained squeakily.

 _People who wear white here are rich, and mean to me, he_ thought.

"That's fine, love, I was just leaving anyway. Or, attempting to leave, at which I am not doing a very good job," Jack explained, wobbling a bit. "Seen any ships?"

"You're leaving before the Festival?" the yellow-haired one asked. "Why don't you stay?"

 _She's the only one with a moderately sensible-sounding voice_ , Sparrow noted.

Unable to reply, the tall one, Weiss, shot a look back at him. "Who are you anyway?"

"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, love - I mean, your Royal Wiessness, or whatever it is in these parts." Jack's introduction faded into mumbles.

"Captain?!" Weiss spat. "You look like a common, swindly pirate to me!"

"Lots of people call me that, love, but I don't deserve it, me," Jack told her honestly. Well, mostly honestly.

"I think he is a pirate. We should take him down to the jails!" Weiss claimed.

"Easy now," Sparrow said, "what were you saying, dear, about the festival?"

"It's starting very soon, is all. I'm Yang," the yellow-haired one said.

"Why are your eyes purple?" Jack asked.

"I dunno, why are your eyes brown?" she replied with a roguish grin and a shrug.

 _I like this one_.

"Anyway, I must confess my utter ignorance of this festival."

"It's held so the Kingdoms can come together and celebrate," the black-haired one with the bow said quietly.

"Kingdoms?"

 _How far have I come?_

"Aren't we in Europe? England?"

The girls looked at each other blankly.

"Nope," Ruby said.

"Are we in Davy Jone's Locker?" Jack asked suspiciously.

"Nope," Ruby replied.

"Are we on Earth?"

"Nope," Ruby replied.

"Will you stop saying 'Nope'!" Weiss exclaimed.

"...Nope," said Ruby.

"So as you can tell, I'm not familiar with these parts. In fact I just got here... Not long ago, and a tall rich man with orange hair told me to take ship from the port. You will now tell me how to do this. Savvy?"

"... You saw a tall rich guy with orange hair?" Ruby repeated, brows knitted.

Sparrow shrugged. "White-suited. Rude. Wears as much eyeliner as I do. Said something about..."

"Something about what?!" Yang, Weiss, Ruby and the quiet one yelled.

The gears ticked in Jack's mind. "Something about something. But I ain't telling you what it is until you show me how I get onto a ship to leave this place."

"I told you! He is a pirate! Let's take him in!" Weiss screeched.

"'Scuse me Lady, but I have never admitted, and will not necessarily admit to, being a pirate."

Weiss drew her silver rapier with scathing eyebrows. "I suggest that as Huntresses, we ought to take Jack Sparrow in. This man is a danger to Beacon and everybody in the vicinity."

Jack sighed and drew his sword. "It's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow," he insisted. "Now, is that sword a gun?"

"Look, guys, just chill out," Yang called in.

"We've got no reason to suggest Mr Sparrow has done anything wrong, and to take him in would be arbitrary arrest," the quiet one said.

"Thank you, Miss...?"

"I'm Blake. Blake Belladonna."

Jack smiled to Weiss. "Let's listen to Blake now before we both break the law."

 _For the millionth time_ , Sparrow thought as he sheathed his sword. Weiss did too, and then returned to crossing her arms sulkily.

"Now, if you want to know the whereabouts of a certain red-haired gentleman, I suggest you lead me to the docks. What'da you people want with him anyway? He seemed a nice enough lad."

Ruby began walking next to Sparrow, leading them up the road back towards the sea.

"Roman Torchwick has manners alright, but you realise that doesn't matter when he steals from and lies to everybody," Ruby's high voice piped up. The others nodded or murmured agreement.

"So there's some trouble in these parts?"

"Yeah. You know about the Grim attacks?" Yang asked.

"...Nope," Sparrow said.

"The White Fang?"

"... Nope," Sparrow said.

"Will you stop saying 'nope'?"

"Nope. What are Grim?"

"Huge monsters that feed off fear."

"Oh, yes! I saw one of those! It ate me. Once."

All the girls stared at him.

Sparrow shrugged. "...Once."

"Ok, we're nearly at the docks. Got any money?" Yang asked.

Jack pulled out the few strange-looking coins Torchwick had let him keep. "Is this enough?"

"Depends where you're going."

"Uhh... West. Until up is down and down is up."

All four of them stared at him with raised eyebrows.

"Do you think I could captain a ship myself?"

"Maybe a small dingy," Ruby said doubtfully.

"Small dingys. Love them. Came here in one."

"Where is it now, then?" Blake asked.

"At the bottom of the ocean."

"...I see."

"Well, go and see the man in that shop" - (Yang gestured to a nearby building) - "and he should have a small boat he can loan you."

"Excellent. Now, ladies, I shall tell you all that you desire to know about Mr Torchwick. Well, not _everything_. There are some things I do not know about Roman and shall never wish to."

"Well, what did he say he was planning?" Ruby asked.

"He made me go away because he was hoping for his own ships to dock in the area. He told me he was leading a... Plot of some sort. I think he's doing some illegal shipping."

"Oh no," Ruby squeaked. "Where was he?"

"Down that-a-way," Sparrow said confidently, "the dock down there, currently empty."

Ruby nodded determinedly, and drew, from seemingly nowhere, a red scythe at least twice as big as her. The girls looked at each other. "Thanks, Captain Jack. Hope you get back safe."

Jack nodded. Then, with a sly smile: "Say... You don't know where they might be selling rum around here, do you?"

"You can get rum and a friendly fight down at the nightclub," Yang grinned.

Sparrow saluted her admiringly. "Thank you, my dear. Have fun huntressing... Or whatever you're going to do to Torchwick. But go easy on 'im, eh? Friend to a friend?"

"Told you he was some kind of criminal," Weiss said, shaking her head wearily.

"Miss you too, love," Sparrow grinned with a slight wobble. Weiss slapped him with a haughty smack.

"...I probably deserved that."

 **Hope you liked, if you want me to keep writing, tell me so! :)**


	3. Too Much Rum?

**Hello everyone! I (still) don't own Pirates of the Caribbean or RWBY and nor do I own the BBC version of Sherlock... (Spot the quote!). The only thing I do have going for me is the realisation that it is DEFINITELY possible to have too much rum. Hope you enjoy :)**

 **Too Much Rum?**

Jack Sparrow - I mean, Captain Jack Sparrow - strode down the road with minimal wobbling. This was because he hadn't had any rum for quite some time, a fact which considerably bothered him. Hopefully, he thought, that situation would soon be reversed.

The tall blonde one said the bar was down here... Didn't she?

Sparrow wondered if he'd taken a wrong turn yet. He wondered when he'd take a wrong turn and end up in Iceland. Because that seemed about how lucky he'd been so far with wrong turns.

But by some miracle, Jack squinted at the house number on the side of a tall grey building to find that it matched the one Yang had scrawled on the note in his tanned, slender fingers.

 _That's it. Hmm._

Under the light of a slowly emerging, fractured moon in an alien afternoon sky, Jack Sparrow strolled through the double doors into the club.

 _My, my. Bars have changed,_ he thought.

He was greeted not with the tinny tinkle of a piano or bawdy bar song, but of music he'd never heard before - fast, insistent and VERY loud. Lights flashed around the room. It looked as though a summer storm from the high seas had been packed into a dimly lit room.

As disorientated as usual, he shoved his way through crowds of people moving strangely - _so I suppose that's the way they dance around here is it?_ \- and towards the bar. Finally, something he recognised. Jack plopped himself down on a stool and said loudly, "Rum."

Nobody had heard him over the noise. Only two pretty, tall girls, one dressed in red and the other blue, turned to glare at him with haughty faces.

"I'd tell the barman if you want a drink, not the entire club," one pouted.

"Thanks for the update, love. Either of you two lovely ladies like a drink? But you may have to pay for it yourself. I haven't got very much money. But the thought's there, eh?"

The two girls glared harder. "Whatever," they shrugged and stalked away, unimpressed.

"Ah." Jack looked down at the bar bench-top. Then he glanced back up to see a man in a black waistcoat and red tie stroll busily past behind the bar.

"Excuse me, love? Rum, please." Jack had gone too long without rum to care about who he called 'love' any more.

The man stared for a second, then poured him a drink and handed it to him.

"That'll be 5 lien."

Jack fished the funny-looking coins he'd pick-pocketed off Roman out of his swaths of material and handed a few over. The barman gave him a bit of change and Jack nodded politely as he sipped his drink.

 _Yes. Much better, NOW I can do some thinking. Or not thinking. Not thinking is much better._

"Where are you from?" The barman asked over his red glasses.

"England. More rum, please."

"England...? What part of Remnant is that?" the barman said, handing him another drink.

"Oi, it's none of your business to be asking about my parts," Jack said, mostly to cover up the fact he didn't know the answer.

The man started the shake his head in a 'I-swear-you're-already-off-your-face-drunk' kind of way but froze halfway through, staring intently - and horrifiedly - at the entrance.

There was a huge _BANG_ of double doors slamming and the music ground to a halt. Jack turned to stare as well as the outline of a well-built girl with a mass of yellow hair strolled to a stop and announced with a wicked grin: " _Guess who's back!?"_

... _Yang?_

The barman face-palmed.

Then he strode out from behind the bar and towards the entrance. Angrily.

 _This looks fun._

Jack leapt out of his seat and followed the barman up to Yang, who looked far too comfortable with about twenty guns pointed at her.

 _I like this one. She'd make a good pirate._

"I TOLD you to stay away from here. No, I haven't seen her. No, I haven't seen anything. No, I don't want my bar destroyed as we have a rematch. Got it?"

"Relax, Junior," Yang smirked. "This time you CAN successfully fulfil my requests. I just want to talk to Sparrow."

Junior gave Yang a quizzical look.

"He's behind you," Yang explained, then pushed her way past to Jack. Junior just shrugged and all the guns were lowered as he went back to his bar.

"Jack"-

"Captain Jack."

-"We need you. Blake says she and Sun saw Sparrow down at the docks earlier - looked like he was plotting something. Now he's just... Gone. It's really weird. He told you some of his plans. We need to you remember everything he said and tell us."

"Mmm," Jack said, continuing to drink his rum. "I don't know how good you think my memory is, love, but I've had two bottles of rum already and I can't remember the name of my own first mate."

Yang rolled her eyes. "Come with me. You know something. You gotta help us."

"All right," Jack conceded, "but on one condition..." He leaned in conspirationally. "I am NOT leaving my rum here."

Yang sighed and pulled him out of the bar, drink in hand. "Hey, you gotta pay for that!" he thought he heard Junior yelling somewhere in the distance.

Jack tottered out onto the street after Yang, trying not to spill his rum.

"So one second he's there, witnessing the unloading of crates of Dust, the next minute he's gone. Disappeared. We needed to keep an eye on him. What did he say to you?"

"He said... He said..." Jack furrowed his brow. Maybe not thinking wasn't as good as he thought. "Sorry, can't remember, love," the Captain shrugged apologetically.

Yang didn't reply, she just guided him up to a strange-looking yellow device.

"Get on the back and hold on tight."

"Uhh..?" Jack stared for a second, not comprehending a thing.

Yang sighed, clipped on her helmet and climbed onto her bike.

"You have a ship. I have a motorbike. Now get on the seat and don't let go or you're dead."

She watched as Jack gingerly climbed on.

"I don't like this metal horse."

Yang clearly didn't care what he thought. She grinned another desperately wicked grin.

"Enjoy the ride!" she exclaimed, and suddenly they were roaring through the streets faster than Jack had ever moved before in his life.

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!" Jack wailed as they rounded a corner at death-defying speed.

Yang laughed into the sky joyously.

 _This girl... She should never be put in charge of sailing a ship_ , Jack thought, worried.

After about ten minutes of this eye-watering, wondrously awesome and honestly just plain terrifying ride, they screamed to a stop near the docks.

Jack stopped digging his fingers into Yang and just about fell off the bike.

"On my lord," he gasped. Then he regained his composure and glared at Yang: "I dropped my rum."

"Hmm."

"You evil person."

"I'll buy you a drink later to make up for it, but between you and me I think you've had quite enough alcohol."

"Not after _that_ , I haven't had enough."

In silence they walked over to a group of figures standing under the broken moon in the near-dusk sky. The long cape alerted Jack to Ruby's presence, the huge bow allowed him to recognise Blake, the ridiculously high ponytail meant that annoying Weiss and there was another guy that appeared to have a tail.

"I got him," Yang said. "Worked out anything?"

"Not really, but we think it's the next stage of his plan, so whatever it is, it's bad for us," Blake said.

"Now tell us everything he told you," Weiss demanded to Sparrow.

"Well..." She was staring at him expectantly.

 _Maybe it was the wrong choice to get drunk. Too late now._

"He said that... I was a dirty pirate. I think."

"Oh. Very helpful," Weiss snarked.

"And he said he'd had a small operation. On his teeth."

"On his teeth?" Ruby asked. Everyone stared blankly.

"Yes. Something like, 'the blonde incisors'."

"...' _Blonde incisors'_?" The guy asked confusedly.

"Nope. 'Blinding canines'." Jack nodded to himself.

"...uh... Guys... Is he ok?" the guy with the tail asked.

"You clearly aren't, you have a tail," Sparrow pouted.

"He's drunk," Yang explained tiredly.

"...He was a vampire!" Sparrow exclaimed.

Everybody's eyes got wider and wider.

"...because he was getting his fangs removed, you see?"

"A small operation... With the White Fang!" Blake exclaimed. "That confirms it." She looked at the monkey man sadly. "I know... I thought it was them but I didn't want to believe it."

"Blake, it's okay, this isn't your fault and we're gonna fix this."

Sparrow had no clue what he was on about. But he usually didn't have a clue what anyone was talking about when he was drunk.

"So that's where he's gone. He's gone to get the White Fang," Ruby said worriedly. "What do we do?"

"Correction, little red - he has arrived _back_ from getting the White Fang," a loud, theatrical voice interrupted.

Everyone turned to see Torchwick standing in the dockyard, coat flapping in the wind as he leaned casually on his white cane.

"Careful! The cane's a gun," Jack remembered.

Roman eyed him. "Well well, my old friend, the notorious pirate Jack Sparrow."

"CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow."

"Spent that Lien yet?" He asked lazily.

"...Most of it. Though to be honest, love, I can't really remember."

Roman's scowl was back. It looked like he'd put even more eyeliner on, but that might've been a slight drop in light quality.

"See how much good your little friends will do you when you face the White Fang," Roman smirked and gestured to the sky - in the distance, Sparrow could see strange white objects flying through the sky towards them.

"What the hell are those?!" Jack spluttered.

"Airships, with the White Fang in them," Blake muttered darkly.

" _AIR_ ships?!" Sparrow exclaimed. "I want one of those!"

"Then you picked the wrong side, Jack," Roman shrugged, strolling towards them.

"You have about four minutes to beg for mercy or run. Or perhaps make light conversation. The choice is yours."

At this point, Jack felt a real conflict of loyalties. He had to now choose between a crook like him, or people who were going to die unless he helped them. And might even die anyway.

"ARGHHHHHH!" Ruby screamed, launching forward with sudden scythe drawn.

"Or that," Roman shrugged. "That works too."

He fired his cane-gun at Ruby and she did a double back-flip to avoid it. Weiss drew her rapier, Blake took out twin black blades and Yang suddenly sprouted yellow gauntlets full of ammo. The monkey dude took out a red staff.

 _These guys are armed to the teeth with unlikely weapons. I think I like them._

Jack drew his simple sword and watched as the others leapt at Torchwick. There were clashes and flashes and loud noises and billows of smoke which figures darted in and out. _How are we supposed to tell friend from enemy in this lot?_ Sparrow stood there wondering.

The airships were hovering above the docks now, and suddenly it began raining masked people. Two landed near Jack and stared at him, not sure if he was with them or against them. To be honest, Jack wasn't either.

Then he decided that little Ruby had been very brave and that it would be a shame for her to die, so he decided to pick that side.

"Hah!" Jack exclaimed and attacked the first masked figure.

They drew a long cutlass from their belt and riposted. _Yes, good, somebody who uses a sword that I can actually fight against,_ he thought.

The second one launched into attack as well. _Oh no._

"Two against one, now that isn't very fair, is it fellas?"

They just snarled angrily and pressed him to evade their every move. Jack stumbled backwards and fell clumsily trying to avoid their blades as explosions raged around the dock. The concrete smashed into his back and he felt a burst of pain. The sky spun.

. _.. Maybe there is such as thing as too much rum?_

The first figure levelled her cutlass at Jack's throat. "What did Torchwick say we should do to any resistance?"

"Kill him," came the replying shout as Roman stumbled out from a cloud of smoke.

 _Hmm, while Ruby is brave and they're good people, I'm not, and Roman gave me money, so maybe I should join his side. And I don't really fancy dying._

"Nope! I'm on your side! Honest!" Jack shouted, gesturing as he tried to get up. It didn't work very well.

"Why should I assume you're on my side?!" Roman questioned, firing three shots at Blake who - _wait - was that Blake three times?_ \- dodge and flip.

"Because I just said I was!" Jack stated. "And because you like me." _(BANG!)_ "I know you do. You may be repressing it, but" _-(KA-BOOM_ ) -"I know that you truly care for my health and wellbeing."

Sparrow laughed in a genuinely amused and slightly disturbing way.

"Welcome back to the side of the thieves," Roman announced. "Oi, animals, Jack Sparrow's on our side now!"

Jack got up and scrambled for his sword as the masked figures backed away.

"WHAT?!" Weiss screamed as she careened past, literally flying through the air towards a strange glowing circle of glyphs.

"Yes! Sorry girls, I'm _SOOOOOOO_ changeable," Roman crowed as he whacked Ruby away with his cane. "It is a weakness with me. But to be fair to myself, it is my ONLY weakness."

Jack found himself face to face with Yang. She raised her gauntlets.

"Sure you picked the right side?"

She fired at Jack and he leapt as high as he could to avoid the bullets. He dodged right, moved into close range, swung with his sword which Yang parried using her gauntlets and then fell straight on his face.

"...yes... I admit.. There might be such a thing as too much rum," he muttered.

A masked figure swung at Yang from behind, missed her neck as she ducked and severed a lock of her yellow hair. All the battle seemed to fall into slow motion as Yang watched the strands of hair float gently to the ground.

Then it sped up.

"ARGHHHHHHHH!" she screamed and the rest of her hair _literally went up in flames_ as she started madly firing at the masked figure, and when he attempted to stand up to her - poor soul - she punched him straight into next week. Well, the side of a building, but yeah.

Weiss landed before Jack and brandished her rapier dramatically.

"I knew you were a villain!"

"Oh, I just try to survive, my dear," Jack droned, wobbling as he tried to beat Weiss's blade. She tried to take his in a circular parry - _ah, trained by a sword-master, are we love?_ \- Sparrow withdrew clumsily as he realised Weiss's training far surpassed his own in terms of technique.

Weiss flounced through the air, skirt billowing ( _how is she even doing that?_!) and landed behind him, sword at his throat. "We're taking you in, Sparrow."

" _CAPTAIN_ Jack Sparrow. And as it happens, _CAPTAIN_ Jack Sparrow feels sorry for your plight and will now join your side instead. I'm terribly sorry about the confusion," he said, his fingers fluttering as if to grab the air. It might help him to keep standing. "Clash of loyalties, you know?"

Weiss gave a high and irritated "huh!".

"Well... If that doesn't work... _Parley?_ " he asked hopefully. Weiss gave him a scathing glare.

"I've wasted enough time on you!" she whined and disappeared into battle.

Ruby, who had seen this last exchange, shouted, "WHAT SIDE IS JACK ON?!"

 _"AT THE MOMENT?_ " Weiss screamed back.

Then a girl with strikingly green eyes jumped - yes - _jumped_ off a building, at least a dozen swords spinning in a circle around her. There seemed to be some kind of gaping hole in her back. They zoomed into an airship flying above, causing it to falter and scream into the bay.

 _Even fighting Davy Jones wasn't quite as weird as this_ , Jack thought.

"Ruby!" Penny shrieked, "stay away from"-

Through the clearing smoke, Roman had aimed his cane at a cable that held a huge shipping crate aloft and fired. It collapsed towards Ruby and Blake, who desperately threw themselves out of the way.

Roman turned to see Jack running around madly in circles with hands flailing in no real direction. Mainly just trying not to fall over.

"That pretty much sums up your loyalties, your strategy and your sense of direction," Roman quipped. He strolled through the smoke towards Jack with a fabulous hair flick and said, "Catch you later, Captain. I won't ask for my money back. You might be on the side of the good guys now, but you sure act like a crook." He tipped his bowler with a emerald-eyed wink.

"But for now, I'm outta here, 'cos these kids just keep getting weirder."

Jack mockingly swept off his hat and raised his hand in farewell.

As is by magic, an airship descended from the debris-littered sky - smoke and flakes of burnt-up airship and strange glows and bursts of colour interrupting the sky's evening face - and Roman strolled up the gangway as if walking down a red carpet before it ascended into the sky. Seeing their boss had gone, the masked figures ran to the few airships that were parked in the docks and began manoeuvring them, all the while under fire from Ruby and her friends.

The seven combatants watched the airships soar into the sunset.

"Drats," the monkey man said. "He got away."

"Where's Penny?" Ruby asked. And sure enough, the green-eyed one with the swords had gone.

"Better report this to the police," Blake stated.

"Better take this traitor into jail," Weiss pouted, glaring at Sparrow.

"Ay, easy, love," Sparrow mumbled. "I joined the side of the righteous in the end."

"Well, he was plenty of help to us," Yang said. "Mostly because he was very good at distracting Roman."

"There we go, love, I am useful, aren't I?" the Captain said proudly. Weiss rolled her eyes.

"But I do believe I've worn out my welcome here. It is now, my dears, that I tragically announce that I must go. I have other strange tides to explore. And more rum to drink."

"I thought you'd decided it was possible to have too much rum," Yang said wearily.

" _Im_ possible, my dear," Jack said, taking her arm. "I will get me a small dingy to return when up is down and down is up, and once we have ordered me a small boat... You still owe me a drink."

"Fine."

"Bye, Captain Jack!" Ruby called. "Thanks for the help!"

"Yeah... Help," Weiss said sarcastically.

"Bye," Blake shrugged.

"I will always remember the time you worked out that Roman needed a tooth operation," the monkey man grinned.

Yang began to lead him towards her motorbike when Jack paused.

"Now I've sailed the seven years for many a year, my dear," he began, "and nothing has made we _quite_ as seasick as that tiny land machine. You know what?

We'll walk."

 **The end!**

 **Spoiler alert: this probably isn't the end. If you enjoyed this, please review and tell me so! :)**


	4. Winter, Qrow and Davy Jones

**Greetings everyone! It's time for more fun and profound nonsensicalness! I will be updating this fic, no matter how slowly I do it!**

 **I do not own RWBY or Pirates of the Caribbean... no matter how much I wish I did.**

Captain Jack Sparrow was close. Very close, this time.

Close, but not close enough.

Just as he'd stepped aboard his little boat – loaded his rations – raised the anchor – and said in a most enigmatic tone, 'bring me that horizon'… he saw upon the horizon something he very much did not want anybody to bring to him.

That there upon the sparkling morning sea was a ship. It was not a friendly ship.

"Oh, my…" Jack whispered, eyes boggling. "…Davy Jones."

Indeed, he'd know that ship for miles. It was pretty easy to recognise. It's sails were moss-green and raggedy, everything about the large ship stinking of age and decay.

Jack took one more wobbly look at the distant ship, then hurried off his boat and up the jetty in the land of Remnant… Davy Jones, while dead in the other world, had surpassed the sunset and made up down to bring the worst pirate anybody had ever heard of to his _ultimate doom._

"…bugger," he said quietly to himself.

 _Clunk_. The robot soldier fell to the ground with a clash, its wires still spitting and hissing with electricity.

"Hey… Ice Queen," a man's voice called up the road. It was thick with drunkenness.

Weiss, who had been standing aside in the crowd, jumped in indignantly – "Do you have any clue who you're talking to?" she screeched.

The man with the red eyes placed a hand gently upon her face… no, not like 'I'ma gonna stroke your face tenderly' way, literally over her eye and nose and mouth, and with the utmost care and tact, shushed her.

"Not you."

Winter Schnee turned coldly to stare as the man steered Weiss out the way.

"I'm sorry… do you not realize that you have destroyed Atlas property?" she hissed.

"Nope… I thought that thing was a sentient piece of junk," he replied thickly.

Winter narrowed her eyes.

Just at that moment, Captain Jack sidled up to Weiss.

"Ello, princess. I may have just uncovered, discovered, or in some way revealed a very personal safety" –

"Shush!" Weiss snapped. "Can't you see this… madman is threatening my sister?!"

"Oh. So now there's two of 'em…" Sparrow glanced up to see a tall woman in a white longcoat and a man with red eyes and ash-black hair glaring at each other furiously. The man wobbled and raised a finger.

"You have turned your backs on us… Atlas can't save us!" He wobbled a little.

"Blimey," Jack whispered, "He's drunker than me, and that's saying something."

Weiss ignored him.

"I've had enough of your antics, Qrow," Winter snapped.

"Wait… you two know each other!?" Weiss exclaimed.

"Pardon me most excessively, m'dear," Sparrow began, "But as I was saying, there's a very important thing I think perhaps you should know abou"-

"Shhh!"

"If you don't silence that sharp tongue of yours," Winter hissed to Qrow, "I shall happily do it for you – by cutting it out!"

She drew a fine silver sword.

"Come and get it," Qrow challenged with a lazy grin.

By now, quite a crowd had gathered.

Winter looked around, thought nothing for it, and then leapt through the air, swinging her sword high.

"Blimey! How is she doing that?" Sparrow whispered to Weiss.

"With her semblance, that's how," Wiess snapped.

"What's happening!?" Ruby cried as she appeared as if by magic at Weiss's side.

"This madman is attacking my sister!" Weiss said, gesturing to the blurry figures that smashed swords together with clashes and bangs before them.

"Oh no! Who would do a thing like… That's my uncle!" Ruby exclaimed.

"Your uncle!?" Wiess repeated incredulously.

"Look, m'dears, I appreciate the family drama and all that, but there's something _reaaaalllyy_ impor"-

"Shhh!" both Ruby and Weiss exclaimed to him, one on either side.

 _Crash._ A crater was made in the pavement as one blurry figure was thrown – or maybe jumped? – from a tower. More sword clashes. Jack thought he heard a high-pitched warcry.

 _He can fight like that while drunk?_ Sparrow thought. … _He must be a pirate._

"Get her, Qrow!" Ruby was cheering.

"Teach him some respect, Winter!" Weiss was screaming.

"Will somebody please listen to me!?" Jack exclaimed.

Then, both Winter and Qrow came back into focus.

"Winter!"

Everybody in the courtyard froze.

"What do you think you're doing?"

The man who spoke wore a white coat too. One of his hands was as white as his coat – it looked strangely like the hands of the armoured soldiers that marched past.

"This man started the altercation, sir!" Winter exclaimed, pointing accusingly.

"That's not true – she attacked first," Qrow pointed out.

"You! What are you doing here?" the man with the white hand scowled.

"The same could be asked of you," Qrow replied with the utmost calm.

Captain Jack didn't know what he was referring to, but from the looks on people's faces it seemed like a really big deal.

 _Wow, this guy is scary when he's drunk… I'd hate to see him when he's not,_ Jack thought.

"Now everybody just calm down," said another man. He held a cane and his hair was emerald green. "There's a fight over at the colesseum that has much more comfortable seats… and popcorn."

"Yeah, break it up!" a woman with bright blonde hair and glasses added.

Captain Jack had been completely unable to understand most of this conversation, but these last few comments really took the cake. He shrugged inwardly. He was in Davy Jones's locker, after all – nothing had to make sense.

The crowd began to disperse and Winter threw Qrow a dirty look before storming away with the others.

"Uncle Qrooooowwwww!" Ruby cried and rushed to hug her Uncle. Qrow held her up on one arm and looked at her nonchalantly.

"Did you miss me?" Ruby exclaimed happily.

"…Nope," Qrow said with a grin.

"Qrow! A word, please!" said the green-haired guy.

"Ohh… looks like I'm in trouble," Qrow remarked to Ruby. She giggled.

Qrow lazily followed the green-haired dude. As he passed, he noticed Sparrow, squinted for a second, then grinned wickedly. Jack smiled back.

Jack turned back to Ruby and Weiss.

"Listen, loves… there is a ship," he began solemnly. Weiss and Ruby looked at each other.

"A very real and very dangerous ship whose inhabitants could consume us all."

"…If you're talking about Winterbird, this is not the time," Weiss snapped, becoming a part of the fandom for a moment.

"Sorry? No, I was talking about Davy Jones."

"Who's Davy Jones?" Ruby asked.

"Who is Davy Jones?" Sparrow repeated. "Love, he ferries souls that die at sea to the afterlife. Savvy?"

Ruby and Weiss stared at him for a second.

"…And he's here. Just saw his ship," Jack added brightly, waving his fingers in the general direction of the ocean. "And I suppose he's here to kill me, seeing as I am completely recovered from being eaten by his last beastie. So he's found me – or if he hasn't, he will soon – and I suppose he's here to get himself one of your so-called Grimm as a new kraken. Savvy?"

"…Oh no," Ruby whispered. "That doesn't sound good at all!"

"Another security threat? Oh, this is so ill-timed!" Weiss cried. "This is the last straw. You must tell Ozpin!"

"Ozpin?" Sparrow repeated blankly.

"Our headmaster," Weiss explained, just at the same time as Ruby said, "The guy with the green hair."

"Oh yes! The green-haired one. Naturally," Sparrow nodded. "Take me to this Ozpin and I shall inform him of said particulars."

Weiss sighed. "Fine. Wow, can't this day get any better?"

"You're just mad 'cos Qrow kicked butt," Ruby whispered.

"… She's right, you know," Sparrow added.

"What were you thinking?" Winter snapped as Qrow, Ozpin and Glynda entered the clockwork tower.

Qrow just raised an eyebrow infuriatingly.

"If you were one of my men," Ironwood said, "I'd have you shot."

"If I was one of your men, I'd shoot myself," Qrow chuckled.

It was a miracle that nobody in the room went 'OOOHHHH BURN!'

(Ozpin nearly did, but managed to stop himself just in time).

At that moment, the lift ' _ding!_ 'ed again. Everybody glanced to its doors expectantly.

Who would possibly be calling in on Ozpin's office?

Slowly, the doors opened to reveal a man with dreadlocks, a bandana and a cutlass.

He was facing the wrong way.

"Well, thank you. Thank you all. 'Get in this', she said. 'It will take you to Ozplug's office', she said. Just like Elizabeth. 'It must have been so awful for you in Davy Jones's locker, Jack.' WELL NOW IT BLOODY WELL IS!"

Captain Jack Sparrow turned around to see five faces staring at him in the utmost shock.

Well, three really. Ozpin didn't seem remotely shocked, and Qrow looked far too wasted to really be surprised by anything.

"…Can I help you?" Ozpin asked politely.

"Oh," said Jack.

The doors on the elevator started to close.

"Good bye," he said flatly.

The elevator began to go down again.

Everyone stared in mute silence at the elevator.

"What on earth was that about?" Glynda asked.

Ozpin got up and pressed the 'open' button on the lift.

The doors opened to reveal Sparrow, still there.

"Oh," he remarked again.

"Captain Jack, step out of the elevator," Ozpin instructed.

Jack did.

"Wait, wait – you know who I am?" Sparrow asked with narrowed eyes.

"Yes – you're the worst pirate I've ever heard of," Ozpin said.

"…But you _have_ heard of me," Jack grinned. "Now, I have a bit of a problem."  
"Well so do we, so can you come back later?" the blonde one with the glasses asked.

"I lied. It's more than a bit of a problem," Jack amended.

"Well, what is it?" Ozpin asked.

"Davy Jones has come into this world, and maybe wants to take one of your beasties for himself, and maybe …no, definitely kill me."

Nobody seemed appropriately surprised by this news.

"Who is Davy Jones?" the white-handed man asked.

"Who are you?" Sparrow countered.

They stared at each other for a second.

"I'm General Ironwood," Ironwood said, after a minute. "Who are you?"

"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. Now, if you don't mind me being so bold… why is your hand like... that?"

"…I lost it," Ironwood said heavily.

"Ah," Jack replied. "Like my mate. Worst enemy. Take your pick. Barbossa. He lost a leg."

"Did he get a cybernetic limb in place of it?" Ironwood asked.

"No, much better. He got a wooden leg full of rum," Jack explained with a smug grin.

"Ummm… alright?" Ironwood suggested. This had been a bizzare day. It wasn't getting any less weird as the hours went by. "Anyway, who is Davy Jones?"

"Came over to this… dimension… because of me. He's the man who ferries dead souls across the ocean to the afterlife. Or, he's supposed to. He hasn't done a very good job, so now he's all…" Jack motioned with his fingers under his chin to indicate 'tentacly'. Everybody in the room except Ozpin just thought he was giving himself a sentient beard.

"…Is this guy drunk?" Qrow asked.

Winter shrugged in answer.

"This is very serious," Ozpin said, sitting down at his desk. "The Grimm draw closer to us. Dust is still being stolen. And now, Davy Jones, once a pirate, now an immortal being, seeks revenge on our shores."

"Are you saying that… that… not only do we struggle with the rise of the Grimm, but now there are INTERDIMENSIONAL PIRATES?" Glynda shrieked.

"Yes," Ozpin confirmed.

There was a moment of silence.

"I'm not drunk enough for this," Qrow said, undoing the lid of his hipflask and taking a swig.

"Me neither," Jack said gravely. Qrow considered for a moment, then offered his hipflask. Sparrow took it and drunk some.

"That's a bit stronger than rum, mi'lad," Sparrow commented, handing it back.

Qrow shrugged. "Whatever gets me through the day."

"So now we have more security concerns. We'll monitor the shores and see if he docks. If he comes onto shore, you and I will talk with him," Ozpin said. "In the meantime, if you have no way of returning to your country of origin, Mr Sparrow, you will be under the protection of Vale."

"My one country is the sea, Captain," Jack replied. Why he added the 'captain' he wasn't sure. But this man certainly had the air of a captain. He'd been many places, seen many things… Jack could feel it.

"I see. Well, if Jones does anything hostile, we must retaliate – luckily, you are standing in one of this country's most prestigious schools of warriors. Is there anything else, Sparrow?"

"Yes," Jack said. "There should be a 'Captain' in there somewhere."

Ozpin sighed.

"Alright. Off you go, Captain Jack."

"By the way… nice moves, Uncle Qrow. Princess Senior," Jack said, nodding to both of them.

Qrow chuckled and winked.

Winter just gave a haughty "Hummph!"

 **Hope you enjoyed! If you did, review, let me know.**

 **And yes... Ozpin knows all ;)**


	5. Parasols and Peices of Eight

**Hello all! Once again, I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean or RWBY however much I may wish to... but at least I didn't say the two most dangerous phrases a character can ever say: 'what can go wrong?' and 'what does this button do?'**

 **Sadly, the characters in this chapter did...**

"Allllrighty then," Sparrow said, struggling to maintain some sort of air of authority. He mostly failed; dignity might have been a better target.

"You ladies have decided out of the courage and goodness of your hearts to protect ol' Jack."

Weiss, Blake, Ruby and Yang blinked.

"Nope, not really," Blake said, sitting on the bottom bunk, watching Captain Jack lean awkwardly in the doorway. Possibly to make sure he wouldn't fall over.

"We were told we had to by Ozpin," Weiss huffed. "Protect the likes of you! Honestly!"

She was at the desk, nose half-buried in a textbook.

"Weeeeeeellll… nevertheless. Out of absolute grudging necessity, no matter how much you truly and deeply you appear to resent it, you must now protect me, by pretending that I come from… elsewhere. What is this elsewhere that Ozpin mentioned? Why are they here? How will it help me evade suspicion?"

"Ozpin has told you and us to pretend that you come from Atlas, like the exchange students who are here for the Vytal tournament," Yang explained. "Naturally you're too old to be a student, but we're pretending you came over with them to watch the tournament… so if this Davy Jones asks about newcomers, everyone will tell him the only newcomers are here for Vytal. Savvy?" Yang asked.

"Did… Did you just 'savvy' _me?_ " Jack asked, nearly falling from the doorway in shock.

"I'm pretty sure I did," Yang shrugged with a grin.

"Well! We shall all have a magnificent garden party… and you're _definitely_ invited," he muttered, changing his mind halfway through the sentence.

"Anyway – you're sure to be protected," Blake smiled.

"Nothing can go wrong!" Ruby smiled happily.

Everyone looked at her.

 _Now it's sure to_ , Jack thought.

"…Please don't ever say that again, love," he sighed.

Jack was about to leave to find more suitable headquarters when Ruby took out a strange rectangle device and exclaimed in excitement.

"Uncle Qrow is coming to say hi! Then – oh, Mr Sparrow – he says he wants to meet you at the club for a chat," Ruby smiled, reading off her device.

"The club – that's the building with the rum and lightning storm inside it, isn't it? Tell him I'll be there," Jack nodded. He tripped into the doorframe as he turned to leave. Behind him, he heard Weiss say, "Oh goody. Two drunk, careless men being public menaces together. What an excellent idea."

"I can still hear you," Jack replied offendedly as he wobbled down the corridor, "and I can assure you I am NOT drunk."

He stumbled and fell over with a crash.

He added in a muffled, carpet-filled voice, "Not even remotely."

A bright orange head peeked out from the door across the corridor and the girl whispered, "Ren, I think someone's had too many pancakes…"

A second, black and pink head poked out of the door and replied, "He's had too much of something, Nora, but pancakes is not the answer."

"…But pancakes are always the answer, Ren," the girl whispered.

Jack was not entirely sure which reality he was in, but this one's inhabitants were stranger than usual, and that was saying something.

"Neo," Torchwick said, gesturing off the docks, "do you see that?"

The tiny girl squinted, then nodded surely.

"That is no ship of ours."

Neo nodded towards the city.

"You think they come for the tournament? I don't think so – I've never seen a ship like it. Perhaps we should investigate it soon," Roman smirked. "And when we do... let's hope they choose the right side."

"So," Qrow Brawwen said as Sparrow plonked himself on a bar stool beside him. "You're an interesting man, Mr Sparrow."

"Captain Sparrow," Jack corrected. "And yes, I suppose I am."

"Been seafaring all your life?"

"Aye, that be true. I've been aboard ships since I was a young'un."

It was a little difficult to hear above the music. On the dance floor, below rigs of lighting, people swayed and jumped. Again, it looked to Jack as if they were on the high seas.

"What about you then?" Jack asked dryly, peering into Qrow's drink, picking it up, taking a sip and putting it down distastefully again. "What did you do as a little one, eh?"

"You've been on ships all your life… I've been fighting monsters since I was a boy," Qrow replied, looking minorly annoyed at Jack's antics.

"Oh – I'm certainly used to that," Jack jumped in. "I've fought many a monster. Ones with tentacles. Ones with only skeletons. Ones with a wooden leg."

"Have you fought Grimm?" Qrow asked.

"Yes, I think so, once. It killed me. Tragically, I died," Jack explained.

"Good Lord, you really are drunk," Qrow commented.

"… I got better," Sparrow shrugged. Then he turned back to the bar. "More rum please, m'dear."

Junior was no less disgruntled at being called 'm'dear' than when Jack had called him 'love'.

"So. What do you fight the beasties with then?" Jack asked Qrow. "Whatever it is… it's also a gun, isn't it?"

"That's right," Qrow smirked. "It's a sniper scythe… can also be used as a sword."

"That sounds mildly impressive," Jack nodded, a little drunkenly. His rum perhaps was starting to take its toll. "Let's see then."

Qrow looked around, knew absolutely that taking out his weapon in a public space wasn't a great idea, but was too drunk to care.

Qrow stood up and unsheathed his broadsword. Then, the segments began to come apart, curling into a scythe blade that shone in the disco lights, a long handle extending from the hilt. A few people turned to stare.

"…why did that make me feel so emasculated?" Jack whimpered.

"Because your cutlass is small and would be completely ineffective against Grimm," Qrow answered.

"…That was a rhetorical question," Jack sulked.

"You know what? Here. You can have a look at it," Qrow said, all sense washed away by alcohol.

"Cool," replied Jack, taking it. It was actually fairly light for its size. He gave it a swing.

"Careful!" Junior snapped, ducking to avoid having his head taken off.

"Sorry, love."

"Put away that weapon!" he commanded from behind the bar.

"What does this button do?" Jack asked.

"Don't-!" Qrow began, but it was too late.

 _BANG!_ Jack fired the sniper scythe straight towards the club doors – just as they were opening.

 _POOF!_ A… a what? A… _parasol_ had opened and… blocked the bullet!

Jack was now _really_ sure he was drunk.

Under the parasol, he could see two short legs in black leggings and long white boots. Beside the parasol wielder there stood… Jack squinted.

 _Oh my_ , he thought, _it's Roman Torchwick!_

Everyone had turned to stare at the awkward situation.

"Hi, Roman!" Jack exclaimed cheerfully, pushing the scythe back into Qrow's hands.

"Hi, Jack!" Roman replied.

The parasol snapped shut. Behind it stood a girl, two heads shorter than Roman, with fairy-floss-pink, chocolate and white hair. She wore a white coat and a really, really annoyed expression.

She began to storm towards Jack in her little high-heeled boots in total fury, twirling her lacy parasol behind her.

"Oh, bugger," Jack said.

"I'm sorry, love! Absolute accident. Could happen to anyone," he stuttered to the parasol girl.

"Wouldn't have happened if you hadn't started waving that scythe around," Junior snapped.

The girl nodded angrily.

"Well… it's his scythe," Jack said, pointing at Qrow.

The girl, Junior, everyone stared at Qrow.

"Hey!" Qrow spluttered.

The girl – Jack noticed she had one brown eye, one pink eye – went back to glaring at Jack with a sulky pout.

"Sorry, m'dear. I'm Captain Jack. Nice to meet you?" he asked hopefully.

The girl's pout turned into a wicked smirk. She extended her hand.

Jack suspiciously went to shake it… and _BAM_. She'd whipped the piece of eight from his hair!

She looked at the string of beads and let out a silent chuckle.

"Hey, give that back!" Sparrow snapped.

The girl turned and grinned at Roman.

"Alright, Neo," Roman said, returning her grin. "Jack – she says that if you want it… you better come and get it."

With that, Neo had tucked the piece of eight in her jacket and took flight through the crowd.

"Wait!" Jack cried and ran after her. Qrow face-palmed, then followed.

Neo ran onto the dance floor, Junior calling frustrated instructions at them which were all ignored, then began to _climb the lighting rigging._

 _I'm a pirate_ , Jack thought. _I climb rigging all the time. She's made a big mistake._

He too began climbing up those metal bars. He hauled himself on top to see… that she was nowhere to be found. Instead, there was that monkey dude, just sitting up there and eating a banana.

"Hi!" he said.

Jack growled and began to move across the rigging.

"Monkey-man, have you seen a short, angry, smirking little lady with a parasol?" Jack asked over the music.

"Yep," Sun replied, "She's right behind you."

Jack twirled around to see Neo just about to push him off the rigging.

"You! Give me that!" Jack eloquently stated, drawing his cutlass.

 _This?_ Neo asked with a smile, holding up his piece of eight.

"That," Jack confirmed.

Neo smiled again and put it back into her coat.

"Right," Jack snarled. He jumped to her line of rigging, she jumped to his. He jumped back, she jumped back. Jack slashed towards her and Neo parried with her parasol.

 _Canes, scythes, gauntlets… and now umbrellas. I bet it's also a gun,_ Jack thought.

He tripped over a light and it crashed to the dance floor – people screamed and ran out the way. Junior was still yelling.

They exchanged attacks and ripostes for a minute, then Neo grinned, popped her parasol open, and leapt off the rigging, floating down to the dance floor.

Qrow and Torchwick were standing on the dance floor, cheering.

"LANDING STRATEGY!" Qrow screamed at Sparrow.

Jack didn't know what this meant, so he shrugged and jumped off too.

He thought it might hurt when he hit the floor. He never got to find out – because he didn't hit the floor... he landed on Roman.

"ARGH!" Roman cried in anguish, Jack's foot going into his stomach. Jack found himself lying on top of the rich young man, whose long orange fringe had fallen back, and they looked into each other's eyes… awkwardly. His sword was wedged into the floor inches from Roman's hand.

Both of Roman's eyes were wide, shocked and surrounded by much eyeliner.

"So you DO have two eyes!" Jack exclaimed in surprise.

Roman just moaned in reply and closed them.

Then his eyes flew open.

"W-What're you doing with your hands?!" he spluttered. Jack grinned.

"Pick-pocketing you. Sorry!" Jack exclaimed mildly apologetically, putting 20 lien in his pocket and leaping up, only mildly hurt (unlike Roman).

He rushed after Neo, who stood on the dance floor dangling his piece of eight teasingly. When he tried to snatch it, Neo grabbed his hand and pulled him in and somehow she was making him waltz across the dance floor. Sparrow tried to trip up her steps, she tried to trip his. Neither succeeded.

 _Two can play at this game,_ Jack thought, and bent her back in that dramatic dance pose (you know the one, right?), trying to wrestle his piece of eight from her.

She backflipped out of it, kicking him in the face as she did so, and he went down, whimpering and holding his face.

"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."

Neo grinned triumphantly down at him, then dropped his piece of eight on the dance floor, before swaggering off to help Roman up.

"RIGHT," Junior roared, breaking the awed silence in which everybody had watched the spectacle.

"You four. Get OUT of my club!"

Jack got up, muttered, "Ain't so bad for a parasol-wielder," and wrenched his sword out of the ground. Qrow face-palmed again, then took another swig from his flask.

"Sorry, Roman, mi'lad. Either you were really hurt, or you enjoyed it, I can't tell," Jack shrugged. "It was the facial expressions."

 _Both,_ Neo's expression said with a grin.

Roman simultaneously flicked his fringe, rolled his eyes, blushed and gave a rude hand gesture in response.

"… that makes sense," Jack said optimistically.

"Give me back my money," he snapped.

"No, I'm poor," Jack replied.

Roman repeated much the same steps as before, but with the added bonus of turning a cold shoulder on him.

Neo was chatting (read: crowing her victory) to Roman with facial expressions, and arm-in-arm, they haughtily left the club.

"We should go," Qrow cringed.

"…Looks like there was some _panic at the disco,_ " Sun chuckled loudly from the rigging.

Junior threw something at him.

 **Ha ha! I'm sorry about that last joke... but not sorry enough to avoid making them in the future.**

 **Hope you liked it!**


	6. Qrow and Jack Go Shopping

**Hello guys! Sorry for the delay. Anyway, I don't own RWBY or Pirates of the Caribbean as usual. Let's drop in on the weird alternate universe where, currently, Qrow and Jack have decided to cope with being kicked out of the club and completely wasted by... going shopping.**

"You know what? Let's go get you a proper weapon," Qrow said bracingly as they strolled, or really, wobbled drunkenly through the streets.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Jack asked.

"No, I think it could be a kind of terrible one, but I still think we should do it," Qrow shrugged. "Not quite five o'clock yet. Shops won't be shut."

"Where do you go to buy these things?" Captain Jack replied.

"We could go to Schnees, not that I'm welcome there, or you can make them. Or we go to an antique shop… you'know, sometimes there's weaponised family heirlooms."

"Sounds like an adventure. Take me to these shops!" Sparrow exclaimed, nearly tripping over in excitement.

(Several hours ago…)

"The man's name is Sparrow," Davy Jones rasped. Neo and Torchwick were still fascinated by the many tentacles that flowed as his beard, on the verge of sharing a mutual nod and busting out their weapons on the strange, strange creatures that surrounded them.

But these men were not Grimm. They were subhuman, like the Faunuses Roman was used to commanding. This prevented him from feeling too much fear.

"If you bring Sparrow to me," Davy Jones was saying, "I will reward you."

"How?" Roman asked.

"We will fight alongside you," the strange octopus-being said. "It is hard to kill us. We are valuable allies. Just bring me Sparrow! I cannot go ashore."

Roman and Neo looked at each other.

"Alright. We'll bring you Jack Sparrow by midnight tonight, when we won't be seen in our kidnap attempt. We'll make good on our promise… so you better make good on yours."

Qrow and Jack arrived at the antique shop and stumbled inside. Two drunk men antique shopping? Nobody was really bothered enough to question it. The shopkeeper did, but then again, nobody cares enough about the shopkeeper to ask why he keeps turning up everywhere in the series doing different jobs, so naturally nobody asked him his opinion of drunk Qrow and Jack.

The shop was small and cluttered with lovely oak furniture and random eclectic junk.

"Now… these seemingly ordinary things might be weaponised," Qrow said hopefully, looking around at the wares.

"Hmm, what about this box?" he picked it up, opened it, searched it for hidden buttons, then put it down again disappointedly.

"What about you, table? Hmm?" Qrow searched this too.

"What about this lamp?" Captain Jack wondered. He turned it on and off again suspiciously.

"Are you two drunk?" the shopkeeper asked.

"…No," Jack said, just at the same time as Qrow said, "Yes."

The shopkeeper shook his head.

"Actually, we're looking for... Shooty things. Pointy things. Normal-looking things with the ability to shoot and stab people. Savvy?" Jack asked, fingers waving around to illustrate his ideas.

"…weaponised antiques," Qrow clarified for the poor shopkeeper.

"Oh," he replied. Should he sell weapons to drunk warriors? There was certainly no guidelines for that sort of thing.

"Weeellll…" he thought about it. "We have this walking stick. Can shoot dust rounds."

"That's pretty good," Qrow muttered, having a look at the stick to which the man pointed. "I should've told Ruby. She'd love to come weapon shopping. Probably a bit too much. Anyway, what'd'you think, Capt'n? Want to have a look?"

"Hmm… I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request," Jack replied sagely, "I don't want to carry a walking stick about. What else?"

"I have an excellent weaponised telephone," the shopkeeper said, gesturing across the shop to an old black telephone with a spiral cord. "The numbers change the dust setting; the receiver shoots bullets like a handgun and it weighs a lot; you can throw it around like a mace."

"Hmmm," Qrow and Sparrow said together.

"Can I have a go?" Qrow asked.

"No," the shopkeeper replied.

"Anything else? Anything remotely… nautical?" Jack asked.

"Glad you asked," the shop keeper replied. "In the back corner, there is a telescope. Do you see it? It shoots dust rounds and extends into a bronze staff with tiny blades at both ends. It can also be functional as a telescope when unloaded."

"…That is really freaking cool," said Jack (he picked it up from Yang).

Qrow walked over and took up the telescope, looked into it.

"It's got some fire dust in it," he said.

He passed it to Jack. Jack looked at the bronze telescope and saw a small button. He pressed it, and the telescope extended longer and longer until it was a decent-sized staff. Tiny knives poked out each end.

"I want it," said Jack.

"It's 100 lien," the shopkeeper smiled.

"What!?" Jack exclaimed.

"You heard me."

"But I don't have that much money!" Jack exclaimed.

The shopkeeper shrugged.

Jack gave a sideways glance to Qrow. "Uncle Qrow… we might have to commandeer this telescope."

"I don't think so," the shopkeeper said.

Qrow sighed.

"Look, sir… this man is poor and in a lot of danger. He needs a weapon. Will you not soften your heart? Will you not lower the price to… how much do you have?" Qrow asked.

"Twenty lien; I got it from Roman's pockets when I fell on him," Jack said.

"…twenty lien," Qrow finished.

He shopkeeper thought for a minute.

"…Fifty lien," he bartered.

"Twenty lien and we'll give you back the fire dust in it," Qrow said.

The shopkeeper thought for a second. "Alright!" he exclaimed, "Twenty lien without the dust rounds. You better give me at least seven recommendations to your friends."

"It doesn't matter; you're the only shopkeeper there is," Qrow muttered.

Roman handed over the money.

"Thanks love." Whatever was in Qrow's flask was pretty damn strong. It was really starting to affect Jack now and he was losing more and more of his cognitive skills. Even Qrow was fairly drunk and he hadn't finished his flask yet.

The shopkeeper nodded to them a little worriedly as they exited the shop, nearly knocking over a pile of books and the lamp as they went.

"Well," Jack said as they wobbled down the street. Everyone else gave them a wide berth. "Now I got me a slidy-slidy shooty pointy thing. Much better than Barbossa's, eh?"

Jack grabbed Qrow's arm to stay standing up as he tripped on a cobble. He decided it would be a good idea to collapse his telescope and stow it in one of his many pockets before he dropped it.

"Who's Barbossa?" Qrow slurred, finishing off his flask. It would now be safe to say that the two of them were completely wasted.

"Ee's… ee's a one-legged man who killed me once… I killed him back. We both better now though," Jack explained. "Good mate of mine."

"Yeah, it's the good mates who die young… and try to kill you and all that," Qrow mumbled. This time he nearly fell over. As Jack held him up, he glanced over his shoulder and thought he saw the shadows of Torchwick and Neo. But when he blinked, they were gone.

The pair now stood (barely) before a small pet shop. There were a few mice, a parrot and a kitten in enclosures in the window.

"Look at 'em little beasties," Jack murmured, wobbling over, banging into an annoyed-looking lady who nearly dropped her groceries. "Looks like Mr Cotton's parrot."

Qrow pushed through the door and went inside to the tinkle of a bell.

"Hey, watch this," he giggled. Jack had a minor disagreement with the door but managed to get inside too. The shopkeeper was absent (he's still getting from the antique shop to this one).

"I'm going to see if I can talk to it! You open the cage door."

Before Jack could say anything, Qrow turned into… well… a crow.

"That's interesting," Jack commented dispassionately as he stared at the black bird that hopped on the floor. "So this is how it feels to be so drunk you start hallucinating. Hmm."

Qrow fluttered up to the parrot's cage. Jack bent down and opened the cage door – Qrow flapped inside, sat on the perch next to the parrot and started squawking. The parrot just stared at him for a second, then said, 'Please don't bother the animals, sir. Squawk! Please don't bother the animals, sir. Watch out for Grimm! Please don't bother the animals, sir."

"So now the parrot's talking human and the human's talking crow," Jack muttered. "Oi Qrow, you're bothering the parrot."

"Hello?" the shopkeeper asked, emerging from the back room.

Jack slammed the cage door shut and stood in front of it.

"Hello… you look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere else?"

The shopkeeper sighed.

"Where's your friend?" he asked.

"Squawk!" said Qrow.

"Uh… he's outside. Vomiting in the gutter," Jack said. He nodded to himself.

"I don't see him."

"Watch out for Grimm! Watch out for Grimm!" the parrot squawked.

"Oh no," the shopkeeper muttered. "He only says that when danger's around."

The shopkeeper squinted, leaning to see into the cage. "Since when did I gain a crow?"

"Squawk!" said Qrow.

"I know nothing!" Jack denied.

"Watch out for Grimm! Watch out for Grimm!"

Jack watched as the shopkeeper's face turned pale.

"It's not Grimm you need to worry about," a voice said behind Jack.

Before he could turn around, his own sword was being pressed to his throat.

"What did you do with my money?" Roman whispered in Jack's ear.

Neo pushed past and drew a long thin blade from her parasol, pointing it straight at the shopkeeper, who put his hands in the air. She put her finger to her lips. He nodded, shaking with fright.

"Uhhh…" said Jack. How had he not noticed his own sword being taken from him? He was that drunk? Roman's other hand was on his waist. These two facts made Jack a little nervous.

He didn't see Roman nod at Neo over his shoulder.

Neo giggled. It was the last thing he heard before her roundhouse kick struck the side of his head and everything went black.

 **Poor Jack. I wonder how he'll feel when he wakes up... and has to explain to Ruby and Yang why their uncle is stuck in a bird cage.**

 **Hope you enjoyed!**


	7. A Rather Grimm Situation

**Hello people! Sorry it's been so long. Welcome to what is likely to be the final instalment! As usual, I don't own RWBY, Pirates of the Caribbean, or How to Train Your Dragon... that much hasn't changed. Sadly. Oh, and an early happy new year! I hope you don't wake up tomorrow feeling as bad as poor Jack...**

Jack awoke feeling possibly more awful than ever before.

His head pounded. His throat was dry. Breathing was a little tricky. His hands were tied awkwardly behind his back.

Worst of all was the nagging feeling of absence at his left hip – the lack of his sword.

He decided to open his eyes.

He'd never regretted a decision more.

The bleary deck of an old, mossy ship swam into view, practically rotting beneath his legs. His eyes confirmed that his sword was gone. Even worse, his chest was constricted by coils of mould-spotted rope, and he recognised that the cylindrical shape pressing into his back was the mast of a ship.

He was tied to the central mast aboard the ship of Davy Jones himself, the shepherd of souls now consigned to the bizarre otherworld of his own locker.

 _Bugger._

It was a start, at least. And while buggery was probably on his list at some point, Jack needed an escape plan.

 _Think, Jack, think._

Jack noticed the unfamiliar shape of the collapsed bronze telescope in the big top pocket of his white shirt; the weight pressed painfully into the right side of his chest. They'd taken his sword, but clearly whoever had searched him hadn't realized the telescope was a threat.

However, he had absolutely no way of getting to it.

 _What's it matter anyway? There's no rum, and that's far more important,_ Jack thought. _I wonder if Qrow has got out of that cage yet? I wonder if he's been sold as a pet?_

Jack chuckled.

 _At least he saw me get kidnapped. And neither Torchwick nor the parasol girl know he was in the_ _room! Ocean almighty, I'm going to slap those two bilge-rats so hard when I next see them_ , Jack grumbled to himself.

No, Qrow would certainly be alert. He would be getting help. Qrow would let Ruby, Blake, Yang and the princess know what was going on.

All he had to do was wait here, pretending to be unconscious so Jones wouldn't kill him (he knew that man's penchant for monologuing), and help would arrive.

 _That's right. That's the noble solution. That's what any sailor worth his salt would do,_ Jack assured himself. _Qrow will be getting help right now… I know it._

Qrow was asleep.

He was curled up in a bird cage, hair peeking through the top bars where it rested painfully in the back left corner.

An annoyed parrot ruffled it's feathers in the very little space left in the cage.

"DON'T BOTHER THE ANIMALS!" it shrieked into Qrow's ear.

"HOOOOOOOLLLYYYYYY S" – Qrow woke with a start, flinging himself away from the alarming shriek, losing his balance and knocking the cage to the ground with a deafening crash, panicked wing flaps and puff of feathers.

Still, the cage door was closed.

"What on earth is going on?"

The shopkeeper stormed in to see a middle-aged man with red eyes locked in the parrot cage.

"…How did you even get in there?"

"Don't ask, just open the damn thing. I've had a rough night," Qrow muttered.

"You're not the only one," the shopkeeper grumbled, opening the cage door.

Qrow turned back into a crow, fluttered out of the cage and elongated back into human form. He stretched.

"Argh, that really screws up your back. Sorry about all that. What was I doing here again?" he asked.

"You were drunk," the shopkeeper sighed.

"I'm always drunk," Qrow replied.

"You went to the antique shop with that other odd-looking guy" –

"Jack!" Qrow exclaimed. "He's been taken."

"Yeah. Now get out of my shop. I have your mess to clean up."

Qrow didn't need to be told twice. He took off out the door and down the street (literally).

(Then he realized he didn't need to fly or run all the way to Beacon. That would be silly. He got out his scroll and phoned Ruby).

All Yang heard was Ruby's high, worried voice say "Oh no! What are we going to do?" before she rounded the corner into the dormitory, grey eyes wide. She was hanging up a call on her scroll. Blake closed her book and Weiss turned from her desk.

"What is it?" she asked coldly. Yang recognised the signature harshness in Weiss's voice that she always used to conceal concern.

"Jack's been kidnapped! Well, he's not a kid, so middle-aged-napped, pirate-napped maybe, but you know what I mean! He's been taken by Neo and Roman! Qrow just told me."

"Why didn't Qrow do anything about it!?" Weiss snapped.

"He said he was… trapped in a bird cage?" Ruby mused. "Line was bad. He probably didn't say that.

Anyway, it was supposed to be our responsibility to protect him!"

"There's no use wondering what could have been," Yang said. She'd jumped off the bed and was putting on her boots, packing her scroll and shoving a cartoonishly big pile of ammo into her bag from under her bunk bed. "Where is he now?"

Weiss was dialling a number on her scroll.

"I don't know! Qrow doesn't know!" Ruby exclaimed.

"Headmaster? Yes, this is Weiss Schnee," Weiss said in her perfectly proper accent, holding her scroll in one hand and pulling on one of her high-heeled boots with the other. "Of course it's important. It's a red alert! Mr Sparrow has been kidnapped by Roman Torchwick and an accomplice – Neapolitan."

She paused. "They were out in the town yesterday night. Where might he have been taken?"

Weiss's face grew increasingly worried as she listened to Ozpin's reply.

"Oh," she said simply, lips pursed. "The orders have been understood, Headmaster."

Weiss hung up.

"Ozpin says it's the strange ship on the horizon. That's where he's been taken. Furthermore, there are Grimm sightings out in the water, all around this ship. The Grimm seem… they seem to be taking orders from somebody on the ship. We've been ordered to go and fight – kill the Grimm, recover Mr Sparrow – with Team JNPR. Ozpin and Glynda are getting there as fast as they can."

"Team RWBY assemble!" Ruby shouted.

"Assembling!" Yang shouted, trying to fit even more ammo in her bag.

"Yang, that's too much ammo," Blake said, putting a gentle hand on Yang's as a few stray bullets rolled out from under the bed.

Yang grinned. "Nope, I think what you're clearly _trying_ to say is: 'Yang, _you need a bigger bag'_."

"Jack Sparrow!" Davy Jones announced accusingly, a deathly pale, tentacle-like finger pointing directly at his prisoner. The whole crew had gathered around. A few smirked or chuckled cruelly, eyeing the helpless, sleeping man tied to the mast.

"You terrible, backhanded scourge upon the ocean! What a cheater, a traitor, a…"

Davy Jones trailed off, as Jack hadn't moved or responded at all to this summons. He tried again.

"Jack Sparrow!" he announced grandiosely, pointing once again.

Nothing.

"Louder, perhaps, Captain?" the one with the shark head asked.

Jones looked at him, nodded, and bellowed: "JACK SPARROW!"

He still didn't move.

Davy Jones looked around, sighed, then shuffled his feet.

"Alright men," he said. "All together now. WAKE UP JACK!"

"WAKE UP JACK!" the entire crew bellowed.

 _Reminds me of a kid's show_ , Jack thought, again demonstrating his perchant for knowing things he shouldn't know, trying his utmost not to giggle.

"Maybe he's dead, sir," another crew member said.

"I'll go and check," Jones sighed.

"No! Not the tentacles!" Jack shrieked, eyes boggling. He tried to wave his arms around to express his dissatisfaction with that idea, but discovered he couldn't. "Look mate, whatever beastie you've got in store, keep your dirty great tentacle face away from me."

"Ouch," one of the crew members said in a whisper at the back.

"Jack Sparrow!" Jones began, "You terrible, backhanded" –

"I think you mean _black_ handed," Jack corrected, "Because of the Black Spot you put on it. But don't blame me for that. You're the one that did it."

Jones's forehead was lined with confusion. "No, I did mean back"-

"Of course, that led to me getting eaten by your great big evil beastie," Jack continued, "And that wasn't really all that much fun at all, to be honest" –

"Now hold on" – Jones began.

"I mean, imagine it. You haven't been eaten by a big beastie. Certainly, you were drowned in a giant whirlpool. But you're a sailor. You're THE Davy Jones. You're supposed to be able to at least _swim_ " –

"Shut up!" Jones growled, tentacle-beard writhing. "This was supposed to be MY monologue! Besides… lots of sailors can't swim," he added.

"Whatever the case, it is time for me to take my revenge! Yes, your friendly Davy Jones, Will Turner, my successor, sails upon the seas of light. But I live on in the locker, the seas of the dark… and I will destroy you for once and for all!" Jones exclaimed.

All around him, giant Grimm reared from the ocean. There was one like the Kraken, certainly, but there was also what looked like a giant black and white dragon and a giant black jellyfish with tentacles zooming downwards into the deep sea.

"Which beastie is it today, then?" Jack asked faintly.

"Oh, the one that kills you shall be my new Kraken," Jones explained. As the shark-headed crew member cut Jack's bonds, Jones threw him his sword –

"You're about to fight a battle one against fifty-four, Jack," Jones intoned. "If I were you, I'd surrender yourself to the Kraken."

"Hem hem. Make that fifty-four against twelve!" Jaune exclaimed, swinging down from the rigging.

It was truly inspiring until he hit the main mast and slid down it face-first.

"Fourteen, if you count both of my gauntlets," Yang said, cocking them both. "And you should."

Then she began to open fire on the Grimm from the top of the rigging.

How they'd all got up there, Jack didn't know, but suddenly it was raining super-teenagers with brightly-coloured hair. Nora sailed through the sky, landing on the jellyfish Grimm, whacking it with her hammer and shouting "DIE, EVIL PANCAKE!"

"En-guarde!" Weiss exclaimed, drawing her rapier against five of the crew members. She was soon lost in a thicket of rusting blades, darting like a white bird in and out.

Speaking of birds, Qrow had face-palmed at Jaune's entrance before swooping from the mast and landing on-deck. He threw Jack a few ruby-coloured cylinders – "These should help you out."

Then he ran to the edge of the ship and leapt off, scythe unfolding, soaring through the air towards the Kraken.

Jack took out the telescope, pressed the button, opened the cap and shoved the red cylinders inside.

"What are they?!" Jones was spluttering, staring at the strange gatecrashers.

"On my side," Jack answered, before shooting at Jones. Explosions of ruby-coloured sparks and fire burst out of the brass telescope. Jones was blown backwards.

The green-haired guy, Ozpin, was here too, Jack noticed, attacking the water-dragon, Blake was swinging around the ship using long black bands as anchors and Ruby was on-deck, fighting the crew with a girl who was wearing Greek armour.

" _Bumblebee!"_ Yang yelled from the top of the rigging. Blake's black bands wrapped around Yang's waist and swung her off the rigging towards the Kraken in a big arc, Yang firing at it all the while until the bands deposited her back on the rigging.

 _"_ _White Rose!"_ Ruby yelled, and Weiss's strange white glyphs formed at one end of the ship. Ruby turned to a red blur, zooming up the ship, hitting the glyphs and bouncing back, knocking anything in her path off the ship.

 _"_ _Break His Legs!"_ Yang yelled. Jack looked around to see whose legs were about to get it, but instead Nora flew through the air and hit Yang with her hammer, knocking her off the rigging and down to the deck. Jack was about to rush to her assistance, but she was already getting up with a pained grin – her clothes slightly singed and hair flaming, she punched the nearest crew member into a wall with the strength of ten men.

 _"_ _Bird Brain!"_ Qrow yelled. Jack looked around, wondering how he could attack the Grimm.

"That's you!" Qrow hollered and Jack found himself catapulted into the air, courtesy of gravity dust from Qrow's scythe.

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Jack screamed, wilding firing at the Kraken as he soared towards it.

"Good job Jack!" Ruby cried from somewhere.

Jack pressed the second button on his telescope and it extended into a bronze staff with blades on both ends. When he landed atop the slimy, roaring Kraken, he knifed it with his staff. It shrieked, and he lost his footing, boots covered in slime, falling towards the ocean depths.

"QROW!" he yelled.

Instead, a white circle of glyphs formed beneath him, and as he hit it, Jack was bounced into the air again and towards the ship.

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"And that's what you call _Iceliner_ ," Weiss said with a haughty smile as Jack crashed at her feet.

"Thanks, love."

Things were going well. The three Grimm were taking serious damage, half of the crew was unconscious, Yang didn't even remotely look as if she was running out of ammo and Jaune had finally come to. So naturally, that was the moment when:

"AH HA HA HA HA!"

Roman, Neo and two other figures had appeared at the top of the rigging. Roman, of course, was the one cackling in a truly melodramatic manner.

"It seems your luck has just taken a turn for the worse, Hunters!"

"How do you all keep getting up there without anyone else noticing?" Jack said to himself.

"Get off there, rich toff!" Yang said and blasted Roman off the rigging (she'd picked it up from Jack).

The other two figures were green and grey, and both had short hair. The green one looked kind of like a pirate, which made Jack a little nervous. They joined the fray and disappeared in a flash. Neo jumped off the rigging too and floated down on her parasol, then began to fence Weiss with her umbrella.

All of a sudden, the black sea dragon reared for the ship. The wave it caused nearly upturned the boat.

"NOT MY SHIP, YOU BEAST!" Jones said, awakening from his coma, drawing his sword and shaking it at the monster. "YOU TAKE ORDERS FROM ME!"

It lurched down with jaws open towards the ship.

"Screw it," Roman said. He began to fire into the dragon's mouth with his cane.

"We're supposed to be helping the Grimm!" the pirate-like girl yelled.

"Well, I don't fancy dying today, dear, so Cinder's going to have to take 'no' as an answer," Roman called back. "You and Mercury help hammerwoman and kitty-cat with the jellyfish, Neo – help the good witch with the octopus."

"Wait, wait, so we're not fighting each other?!" Weiss exclaimed.

"It's not that we're not fighting each other, ice queen," Roman announced, barely audible under the sound of gunshots.

…"It's that we're all prioritizing the extinguishment, or in some capacity cancellation, of the three large beasties that surround our comparatively small ship," Jack explained, shooting the dragon too. "Pirate logic."

"He's got it," Roman nodded. " _Roman Sparrow!"_

 _How is everyone adlibbing these team attack names, and how do we all instantly know what to do?_ Jack wondered briefly, continuing to fire his own weapon straight ahead at the dragon, before Roman fired a shot over his shoulder. It bounced off the bronze of Jack's staff to the right, hitting the Kraken.

"One down!" Nora exclaimed, soaring through the air and landing back on deck. The black-and-pink-haired one, Blake, Mercury and the pirate-girl followed.

Sure enough, the jellyfish was dissolving in a giant puff of black smoke.

"Just a sec," Yang's voice yelled, and then, with a final eardrum-tearing scream, the Kraken also sunk back to the depths. She, the stern one with glasses and Neo landed back on board. Neo leered at Jack's piece of eight. Jack gave the 'I'm watching you' finger gesture. Neo stuck her tongue out at him.

"Aaaaaaaannd… That's three," Ozpin finished, somersaulting over the dragon's hulking body as it dissolved.

In the silence, all the combatants stared at each other awkwardly.

Ruby was the first to put away her weapon. Ozpin followed. Then, slowly, everyone else followed suit, until they were all standing there, perfectly unarmed.

"Well, this has been an interesting time," Jack said.

The second to speak was Davy Jones.

"And who may y'all be, hmm? Storming aboard my ship? Attacking my men?"

"We are the hunters and huntresses of Beacon," Weiss said. "It's our responsibility to protect the town, and those under our care."

She gestured towards Jack.

"Miss Schnee is quite right," Ozpin said, sipping his coffee, which had seemingly materialized out of nowhere. "I know you understand this to be your land, Jones, but you are no longer in possession of the heart. You no longer have the authority to command a Kraken. You have made your peace with Calypso… And Jack now languishes here, in your locker, on a quest for a map it is unlikely he will ever find. Mr Sparrow knows of his shortcomings. Does he not?"

"Oh yes, my comings are very short," Jack assured Jones, who did not seem convinced.

"You have won, Jones," Ozpin said gently. "Go peacefully."

Jones thought about it for a moment.

"Arghh," he grumbled, "I'll go in peace. But you, Jack Sparrow, must never darken my deck again!"

"I shan't be darkening any decks," Jack muttered appeasingly.

"Good. Now get off my ship! All of you!" he spat. "I have men to attend to."

"Great! Drinks all round!" Jack exclaimed. He thought for a second. "If we can get back to the bar. How did you all even get here?"

"Fired off a cliff," Ozpin said shortly, sipping coffee.

"Even you?"

"Yes," Ozpin confirmed.

"Even them?" Jack asked, nodding towards Roman, Neo, Mercury and the pirate-like one, who huddled to one side of the deck.

"Them too," Ozpin confirmed.

"Well, how are we going to get back?" Jack asked.

"Swim," Jones suggested bitterly.

"It'll be easy. There's plenty of canons," Yang said brightly.

"Load them in!" Jones said.

"Wait!" Jack exclaimed, but was seized by Jones and Ozpin.

Struggling, he could see Roman being manhandled by Neo and Mercury, Nora and Ruby frogmarching Weiss and Yang cheerfully jumping into a canon of her own accord.

They shoved Jack, chuckling, into a canon.

 _BOOM!_

The first person had already shot off towards the coast. Judging by the posh, high-pitched scream, it was probably Roman.

 _BOOM!_

"YAHOOO!" Yang yelled as she soared into the sky.

"I personally think" –

"Fire!" Jones commanded.

 _BOOM!_

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Jack screamed as the explosion nearly deafened him.

"LANDING STRATEGY!" Qrow yelled from somewhere.

Jack had still had no idea how to do this. So he aimed for Roman.

 _Crunch._

"OWWWWWWW not agaaaaaaain," Roman moaned as Jack bowled him over, into the grass, trying to neaten his bright orange hair.

"I suppose this is the point where I give you a cheeky wink and say something quippy while pretending I haven't got internal bleeding," he gasped.

Jack slapped him.

"That was for kidnapping me."

"…I probably deserved that," Roman muttered.

Jack kissed him.

"…And that was for everything else."

Having thus made a How to Train Your Dragon reference and this a slash fanfic, Jack leapt up and ran away.

"Haven't you forgotten something, Mr Sparrow?" Roman called, dangling Jack's piece of eight. He threw it to Neo.

"Oh come _ON_ ," Roman began, but was promptly hit by Qrow.

"Not enough rum for this," Jack muttered into the grass.

"So," Weiss said, "That's it then?"

"Yep," Yang replied. "Jack's no longer under the protection of Beacon. He's going to continue his search for a strange map. He asked me if I wanted to be part of his crew… I said I'd consider it in a few years."

"Bars are so noisy," Weiss remarked, turning up her nose and sipping her drink. "How old are we? Old enough to be in a nightclub?"

"I dunno," Yang said, "But Jack did say drinks all round, so here I am. Where is he anyway?"

"I think I saw him trying to dance with Qrow and Nora," Blake said, sitting next to them.

"I thought I saw him kissing Roman Torchwick in a corner," Ruby added, also joining them, "But it was pretty dark, and that's completely silly! That would never happen."

"Whatever the case, sounds like our funny pirate friend is having fun. Want to dance?" Yang asked.

"Sure," said Blake.

"Let's have a dance-off with Team JNPR!" Ruby said excitedly.

"They're going to win," Weiss said grumpily.

"Don't think like a loser Weiss! Come on!"

 **Yep, I decided to jump aboard the ship Roman Sparrow in the end because why not? Stranger things have happened, on stranger tides. Have a nice day!**


End file.
